The Egg *Mayo*1 sandwich is iconic in Britain. It’s a permanent feature in buffets at birthdays, marriages and funerals. Sometimes it has a watercress garnish. Let’s improve it;
The Egg Mayonnaise Canoe
Ingredients
A hard-boiled egg2
Baguette
Mango chutney
Mayonnaise
Technique
Cut baguette in half
Slice one half longways
Firmly press the bread inside the crust making a canoe (use both thumbs)
Reduce boiled egg to pulp in a cereal bowl
Squirt mayonnaise on and stir
Pour a spoonful of mango chutney into the canoe
Smear evenly to fully cover interior (Do Not Add Butter)
Fill canoe with egg mayo and flatten to make it level with crust edge
(This avoids a Miliband moment when eating)
Gourmet Version
Dust the egg mayo with paprika
Outcome
You’ll never willingly chose a watercress egg mayo sandwich again
Drunk and weaving in the rain The rain swept into my face Down my face, punishing me Drunken rain – out of control – Drunk with power like a manic Car wash. Beating and beating down Not cleansing but punishing ‘You should be home’ Drunken rain sweeping me into a gutter Despair waiting for me at home
“He has a strong claim on the conspiracists, the 16% of Americans who agree with the statement that, ‘the government, media and financial worlds in the USA are controlled by a group of Satan-worshipping paedophiles who run a global child sex trafficking operation.’” (my emphasis)
Comment: He’s a member of the Kennedy Dynasty, which apparently still matters in the USA
Unlike Amazon second hand bookshops are a thing of joy and wonder.1 They don’t have brutal efficiency but their customers happily browse. Titles, long forgotten, catch the eye and stimulate the curiosity bud. Was that book as good as remembered? £2: 50! Why not give it whirl? And I did. And I was richly rewarded. I hurtled back to the Blair years and wallowed. Bathos, biting satire, political comment, all embedded in Adrian Mole.
Unlike Lee Child’s Reacher character, or the Simpsons for that matter, Adrian Mole is a living flawed character about whom we want to know more. The Blair *babe* Pandora is central as a counter-intuitive character. I looked for a standout quote and had to work hard because there were so many:
Try this:
“I have been very ill for the past five days. At one point…it was touch or go whether I would be admitted to hospital with severe upper respiratory infection…
I rang NHS Direct and the nurse on the end of the line said, ‘you could send for an ambulance, but why don’t you have a Lemsip and tuck yourself up and see what happens, dear?’
I chose the Lemsip option, but as I said, it was touch and go.” p221
Gerald rejected his grammar school to work on his father’s stall in London’s famous Petticoat Lane market. It was a cut-throat trading environment where traders were predators. He loved it. Gerald worked the crowds, seducing them into buying his goods. Huge crowds went to Petticoat Lane in the 1960s, for entertainment as well as shopping. They loved the hustle and bustle and the chance of a bargain. Gerald flourished with his ‘gift of the gab’1 and endless stream of jokes.
Gerald inherited his father’s shops and lured customers into them with low quality cut-price glitter. Ratner jewellery was a Saturday night treat. He made massive profits from his ‘pile it high, sell it cheap’ Petticoat Lane technique.
In 25 years, Gerald’s retailing empire expanded exponentially, reaching 2,500 shops by 1991.2 He was a super-star in the retailing world, using opportunistic trader techniques.He hooked customers by saying anything where truth was secondary to successful sales.
23rd April, 1991
Gerald was invited to the Institute of Directors’ annual dinner as their principal speaker. Six thousand businessmen were there to applaud his success. Gerald had a ‘crowd’ situation, which created an adrenalin surge just like his years as a market trader.
Everything went well as he read his prepared speech. When the Q&A session began his world imploded. He was asked a soft-ball question about the ‘secrets’ of his success. He replied with classic outrageous attention seeking repartee. This was an example of chutzpah,3 which was second nature from his years in Petticoat Lane.
He said,
‘We do cut-glass sherry decanters complete with six glasses on a silver-plated tray that your butler can serve you drinks on, all for £4.95,’…’People say: ‘How can you sell this for such a low price?’ I say: ‘Because it’s total crap.’4
Exhilarated by the roars of laughter he continued,
‘We sold a pair of earrings for under £1, which is cheaper than a shrimp sandwich from Marks and Spencer, but probably wouldn’t last as long.’ 5
Gerald got a rapturous round of applause but destroyed his company. His display of total contempt for his customers and products was unforgiveable. He committed the sin no market trader would ever commit; he flaunted his predatory colours. Petticoat Lane customers were there to be fleeced but no-one was so indiscreet as to say so.
[insert newspaper photo]
Eighteen months later in November 1992, Gerald Ratner sold his shares and left the company he’d built up. He remained a rich man but he’d been ridiculed and the scars lasted the rest of his life.
“ They also taught me the correct way to address the manager of Manchester United. Almost the first time I came across Alex Ferguson in the corridors of the Cliff, he said to me, ‘All right, Andrei, how’s it going?’
I smiled at him and replied, ‘Fuck off, Scottish b**tard.’
Ferguson stopped dead in his tracks and then began to smile as he heard laughter echoing down the corridor, while I stood there bewildered.”
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